Why buy the cow?

Well, on Saturday, one of the Nuthouse‘s finest, Craig J. Orkwis, proposed to his girlfriend of nearly eight years, Sarah Toole. We here at Rock Star Journalist (meaning, me- Nick- and my sidekick “Classy” Freddie Blassie action figure) wish them the best of luck.

I actually missed hearing the news in person by about five minutes. Had I not given in to the ravenous hunger pangs coming from my stomach, I would’ve gotten to see Sarah freak out and wave her left finger around like it had the cure for cancer. But I missed it. Dammit.

Being as how I’m a married, you’d think that I would have some sort of clever witticisms regarding how he’s gonna give up sex and blowjobs and funtimes… however, I won’t have been married even a half year until the 10th, so what the fuck do I know? Nothing, that’s what. The Vandals, however, have a wonderful song on The Quickening that seems to sum up all of the marriage thoughts most guys have when their male friends get married…

Marry Me
Young girl says to her mom,
“How did you know that father was the one?”
Then mom just rolls her eyes
She says, “You’ll find that special guy”
But to herself she cannot lie
She says, “I’m praying for the day I die
And they bury me”

Then boy become a man
He finds that special one who understands
He knows ’twas meant to be
Her faults he cannot see
And now he’s down on bended knee
I pledge my love eternally,
Will you marry me?

Do you take this woman?
I don’t!
Do you take this man?
I don’t!
For the rest of your awful life
She is your lawful wedded wife
Do you take this woman?
I don’t!
Do you take this man?
I don’t!
Eternal agony in holy matrimony

The two now joined as one
And from this holy union comes a son
And the cycle begins again,
Another fool is on his knee
Where is my alimony?
Hang yourself from the family tree,
Say marry me

Menopause, mid-life crisis,
Moments for the rest of your life
‘Til death do you part,
‘Til the kids leave home she is your wife
Just look at your parents’ strife
Imagine that for the rest of your life

For the rest of your awful life
She is your lawful wedded wife!
Do you take this women?
Indubitably I don’t!

the Vandals – “Marry Me

Brody and T.S. have a moment in Mallrats where they discuss proposals, and I think “love and sharks” deserves inclusion here.

And, from the Princess Bride, Peter O’Toole’s marvelous speech as The Priest on the subject of matrimony.