In a remarkable study recently conducted by SarcasTech Labs, a California-based research company, the popular “energy drink” Red Bull was discovered to have drastic side effects on frequent consumers of the product.

        The manufacturers of Red Bull, a potently sweet concoction of herbal stimulants, caffeine, and sugar claim in their ad campaign that “Red Bull gives you wings.”  Until recently the slogan was thought to be just that-- a slogan, one whose message was interpreted worldwide as meaning simply that Red Bull gives you a boost of energy.

        In October of 2002, a former Red Bull corporate employee, whose name we withhold at his request, turned over to SarcasTech Labs a thick binder crammed to bursting with top secret corporate documents.  While the exact contents of these documents are not available to us, we do know that they largely concerned the negative side effects of Red Bull.  

        After nearly a year of exhaustive research, SarcasTech Labs has released the fruit of their toil to the public.  It would appear that Red Bull’s slogan is, in truth, a legal disclaimer.

        “The  energy drink Red Bull,” announced Dr. Vic Tishis, “is marketed as an energy-boosting beverage.  In truth, it is an insidious mutagenic substance which causes in its victims a painful, permanent metamorphosis the likes of which have never been observed by the scientific community.”  

        The statement was issued Friday by Tishis, head of the Red Bull project and expert in both chemistry and genetics, and referred to the shocking fact that, consumed in large quantities, Red Bull really will give you wings.

        “You have to drink a lot of the stuff,” explained Tishis, who agreed happily to an interview.  "Something on the order of five cans a day, every day, for a solid month.  It varies depending on body chemistry and all sorts of other variables.  Even race appears to be a factor, although we can’t say that for sure.  We’re looking into that aspect, along with other factors.”

        In sufficient quantities, the ingredients in Red Bull will gradually rewrite your genetic code, switching certain genes on, others off, and in two amazing and unprecedented events, actually recombining elements in a victim’s DNA to create new genes not found anywhere in nature.  The end result is the budding and rapid growth of large, elegant, and most astounding, functional wings.

        “The wingspan of most of our test subjects averaged nine to ten feet.  Coloring varies from basic white to some frankly stunning iridescent rainbow patterns.  And, yes, they work.  An entirely new system of musculature develops with the wings, which are enormously powerful regardless of the subject’s general health,” reports Tishis.

        Aside from the development of the muscles and wings themselves, the Red Bull Effect also alters metabolism and bone structure.  Heretofore unheard-of amounts of energy are drawn from normal amounts of food, the body itself becomes orders of magnitude more efficient in managing energy.  A subject’s entire skeletal system becomes both stronger and lighter as his normal bones are replaced with a bizarre material that has scientists stumped.

        “This is not something that can be found anywhere in nature,” says Tishis.  “I won’t go so far as to say it’s unbreakable, but it is damn strong.  And light.  When you combine this fact with the higher efficiency of the subjects’ bodies, the result is not only a person who can fly with amazing grace and speed, but a person who is easily twice as strong as a normal human being of comparable size.”

        The price for these benefits, it seems, is the excruciating pain of metamorphosis, a process which can last as long as three weeks, and a permanent, severe addiction to Red Bull.  As reported by SarcasTech Labs, withdrawal symptoms (which begin about fifteen hours after last dose of the drink, and worsen rapidly) include but are not limited to the following:

Behavioral changes and mood swings,
Uncontrollable tics both physical and verbal,
Digestive and excretory difficulty,
Joint pain,
Vision problems,
Extremely degraded mental performance,
Pervasive, extreme itching accompanied by breakouts of pus-filled blisters
Extreme paranoid schizophrenia
Sudden, catastrophic bleeding from the ears, nose, eyes, mouth, anus, and genitalia
Bouts of suicidal depression and/or homicidal rage
Coma (lasting hours to possibly years)
Development of lethal allergic reactions to random substances
Heart attack(s), stroke(s), aneurysm(s), etc.  Possibly simultaneously
Immediate, total internal clotting of blood
Sudden stoppage of life, without apparent cause
Unpredictable loss of molecular cohesion

        “The list reads like the collaborative nightmare of  Stephen King, Wes Craven, and a severely narcotics-addicted Michael Crichton,” commented Dr. Tishis.  “And we keep discovering new symptoms.  We haven’t even released the really nasty ones to the public.”

        Luckily, the symptoms can be warded off with the simple consumption of Red Bull, although the amount needed to return to a normal state increases exponentially as time passes from the onset of symptoms.  The problem comes from the high cost of Red Bull, which runs between two and five dollars for an 8 oz. can.  Unable so far to synthesize the beverage in their labs, SarcasTech has begun hijacking shipments of Red Bull to keep their subjects alive and healthy.  A few employees admit to robbing gas stations and grocery stores on their own time out of sympathy for the victims of the Red Bull Effect.

        “Thankfully, all those affected were volunteers.  Before testing began on humans, we allowed anyone who was interested to review all the material we had collected.  This included the original Red Bull corporate documents, which were rather frightening, and all of our preliminary analysis and animal testing results.  We’re still working frantically to find a way to synthesize Red Bull, but we can’t quite get it.”

        It seems that there is some secret, high-tech manufacturing process that makes Red Bull impossible to duplicate outside of an actual Red Bull plant.  Says Tishis, “All of our attempts have been absolutely cataclysmic failures.  We’ve had results ranging from simple failure of ingredient combination to total destruction of a multi-million dollar facility.  On the bright side, we’ve developed a fuel that can power a hypersonic aircraft continuously from now until the year 2509, using only a VW Bug’s gas tank full of the stuff.  Of course, that unexpected achievement is somewhat negated by the loss of twenty people on the previous attempt.  We still haven’t figured out where they went, but we’re hoping they’re still in the building.  Wherever that is.”

    Dr. Tishis assures us that SarcasTech Labs has numerous highly secret projects in the works, all of which are aimed at discovering what the correct manufacturing process may be.

        “I really cannot tell you more about that, though,” he says.  “I’ve probably said too much already.  I pray none of the operatives will be compromised.”

         The next chapter in this incredible story is still unwritten.  However, Dr. Tishis, his career, wealth, and fame already assured at the age of 26, tells us that the true implications of this discovery may take years to unfold.