2. IRONIC DEATH #1. - Get really plastered, load your car
with impact-triggered explosives, and drive at 110 mph into
a MADD or AA meeting.
3. Jump off the second story floor of a shopping mall,
aiming your deadly plunge just right so you skewer yourself
on the nozzle of a fountain. For extra zaniness, load your
clothing with pennies.
4. At a gas station, find the big tanks they keep the fuel
in, open one, and create a spark.
5. On the 4th of July, find the area where they launch the
fireworks and lay on top of the launch tubes.
6. Another impact explosive technique: Put a lot of it
under your clothing and pick a fight with somebody.
7. If you can, sneak onto the space shuttle launch pad and
lay beneath those big-assed engines.
8. Better yet: Strap yourself to the nose of the shuttle.
If the launch doesn’t kill you, you will have a great view
of the heavens before you explosively decompress in the
vacuum of space.
9. Or, even better: If you’re an astronaut, poke a hole
the hull. Everything, including you and your crewmates,
will be sucked out through it, even if it is very tiny.
10. Arrange for somebody to “accidentally” drop a grand
piano on your head as you walk down the street.
11. Ram your head through a display TV at Sears.
12. In a science lab at school, nonchalantly turn on all
the gas taps. The second somebody notices the smell, flick
13. Write satirical articles and stories about suicide and
get them published in university papers.
14. Aim your telescope at the sun and lay underneath the
15. Join Starfleet, get a red uniform, join the crew of the
original Enterprise, and go on an away mission with Kirk.
Without fail, you will die in some bizarre manner.
16. Go somewhere via AmTrak.
17. Go somewhere via ValuJet.
18. Get a Stealth Bomber wet and fly somewhere.
19. Steal a stealth plane, arm its bombs, and fly it
directly into the White House. How can they shoot you down
if they can’t see you?
20. Obtain large quantities of C4, and go to a Spice Girls
concert. Get up on-stage. You’ll be a martyr. People will
sing songs about you.
21. Play Hendrix’s "National Anthem" at 329 decibels until
your brain liquefies and trickles out of your ears like so
much - ear stuff.
22. Abandon your god and just take up snake handling.
23. Wear a white robe and pointy hood into a Black Panthers
24. Street hockey is out. I’m thinking
25. Take everything in your medicine cabinet. Everything
in your medicine cabinet.
26. Drive your car through the main gates of Area 51 at 90+
mph. Snap pictures.
27. IRONIC DEATH #2. - Crush yourself with a “jaws of life.”
28. Watch Crash whilst high. This could work really well
you’ve just done #25.
29. Stop reading this and just smash your head through the
computer monitor! Yeeee-Haaaah!!!
30. Why wear a bomb onto the plane? There are so many more
people in the airport...
31. If at war, have a “sweetheart” back home, speak with a
Texas accent, or pick up the invaluable items left sitting
in plain sight on a table by the enemy.
32. If alone during a killing spree, investigate every
strange noise, take time out to have sex, fall asleep, “turn
back around,” close the medicine cabinet, take a shower,
trip on nothing, go up the stairs, and always, always be
sure to open any doors that could be harboring anything from
a knife-wielding maniac to a gelatinous amoebae from another
33. Snitch on the mob.
34. Snitch on the Rob.
35. IRONIC DEATH #3. - Hang yourself. With a rosary.
36. Douse yourself in liquid nitrogen.
37. You know those theme park rides like the Detonator,
where the use a hydraulic piston to launch a ring of chairs
up a huge metal column? Chain your legs to the ground.
38. Or undo your harness right after takeoff.
39. Or strap an altitude-sensitive bomb to your chest.
40. Replace your football pads with impact-sensitive
41. Strap raw stakes to your body and jump into shark
42. Hold up a gunshop.
43. Force a student who tends to write slightly off-kilter
things to a shrink, threatening to EXPEL him from school if
he doesn’t go.
44. Lie in the isle of a crowded movie theater and yell
45. Do 44, but with the added bonus of lighting yourself on
46. You know those vans that deliver plate glass, where
they have these big racks on the sides holding large panes
of glass? Roll down your window and sideswipe one.
47. Drink a nice, tall, frosty glass of that unnaturally
blue water at theme park water rides.
48. To make a political statement, burn an American flag.
While it’s wrapped tightly around your body.
49. Abdicate racial genocide. On BET.
50. Be a patsy gunman for the CIA in an elaborate plot to
assassinate the president.
51. Be the “head” bad guy.
52. For a pretty display to be seen for miles around, make
your bungee cord juuuuust long enough...
53. Draw up a declaration of war against the USA, get it
notarized, and send it to the Pentagon.
54. Wear one of those new invisibility suits like those
invisible aircraft that I saw on TLC and try to cross the
55. After all of the aliens have been killed, keep one, or
an egg, or the DNA, and make a new race of them to use as a
56. Strap yourself to the outside of a revolving
57. Get in the car with a drunk chauffeur and get paparazzi
to chase you at high speeds.
58. When you get pulled over for a minor traffic violation,
get out of your car and run screaming and flapping your arms
at the police car.
59. Eat Pop Rocks and drink a Coke. Remember that?
60. Build a huge-ass neon light, seal yourself inside, and
charge the electrodes.
61. Write 101 lists obsessively, just asking for someone to
end your miserable existence.
62. Write 101 lists about suicide, when so many people are
a wee bit “touchy” on the subject.
63. During a thunderstorm, hold up a metal pole and curse
God, nature, and fate.
64. Eat burgers from Burger King.
65. Eat chicken from Korea.
66. Eat anything from Denny’s.
67. IRONIC DEATH #4. - If killing yourself because of
severe weight problem, cast yourself into giant vat of
68. Pull a set of library bookshelves onto you.
69. Put yourself in an industrial dryer.
70. Watch Madonna’s “Ray of Light” video while high on more
than one illegal drug.
71. Tell your girlfriend’s military father that the only
good thing about America is that it will pay you for doing
72. Wake me up. Ever.
73. Drink enough Surge until you shake so violently that
your molecules vibrate apart and dissipate.
74. Play jacks with those little green balls of VX gas from
the missiles in The Rock.
75. Go to school with gentle “boys next door” whom no one
could ever suspect.
76. Go to school with complete mental cases like me that
77. Suspect me.
78. Walk into a biker bar and inform the denizens exactly
what Harley Davidson can do to certain reproductive organs
79. Get sent to jail and don’t put out.
80. Join a cult led by a man who claims to be Jesus and
then hands you an AK-47.
81. Join a cult that claims to be leaving on a space ship
following a comet and gives you a bang-up recipe for tapioca
82. Join a cult where Kool-Aid is involved.
83. Aw, shit, join a cult.
84. Be the innocent little sibling of a gangsta g-funk in
the ghetto. When someone does a driveby on your house to
hit big bro, you’re a gonner. Never fails.
85. Reproduce famous Hollywood blockbuster stunt scenes,
using real explosives and bullets.
86. Get a stalker.
87. If three or under, get hold of plastic bags, games with
small parts, and the “big kid” toys in Happy Meals.
88. IRONIC DEATH #5. - Inhale a Lifesaver’s candy.
89. Give yourself one thousand paper cuts.
90. Hug some snakes. Yes. Hug and kiss some poisonous
91. Move to Australia. If the hundreds of poisonous and
other lethal animals don’t get you, their ozone hole will.
92. Insult hockey to a Canadian.
93. Insult whiskey to an Irishman.
94. Have an affair with OJ Simpson’s wife. (I don’t care
how old they’ve gotten - I still think OJ jokes are funny)
95. Get dumped by a girl. They’ll not only break your
heart, but tear it out completely, and tread upon it. And
don’t forget about getting stabbed in the back, gut kicked,
and having your very soul itself shredded like so much
wholesome wheat cereal. Fucking whores.
96. Switch your regular coffee with decaf.
97. Again, if an astronaut, while space-walking, push away
and do a nose dive into the Atlantic Ocean. Or Brazil.
98. Go on a hunger strike until the Second Coming.
99. Do everything in your power to star in either World’s
Scariest Police Chases or When Animals Attack 9.
100. Do everything you can to be the star of the new Faces
of Death video.
101. For fun and excitement, add live land mines to any